a.p.d. is anti social personality disorder! i know this cause i suffer from it. it can make you use people and hurt them very bad! people are a game to people who suffer from this! it is a mental illness! And a nasty one at that!
i have used drugs lied stole and hurt people in the most cruelest of ways. it is tragic at that! i am writing this down so others who read this know they are not alone! cause if feel alone a
lot of the time! i suffer from many mental illnesses!
i have very little things that i can use to get this out but music is one of them. i listen to a lot of it to try and soothe the beast that lies within my mind! i listen to a lot of old rock. i don't know it just speaks to me.
i feel as if i was born in the wrong decade! i would have fit in better in the 60's! i love to listen to floyd n zepplin. they are my favorites. i don't know why i feel like this all the time but i just wanna curl up and hide! i hurt people and don't really ever care that i do it! i am mean and people leave me alone! i hate to be alone! i am comfortably numb and sick! it is like music calms me in some strange way
. bush glycerine says it all in the second verse! i have no control over this and really do this i want it! i try to deal and just can't seam to get things right so i just keep doing the things i know! weather right or wrong! i just live everyday in the shattered shell of the man i once was and never will be again! it used to be that i could handle my illnesses but now they own me! i wish i was free of this heaviness that i feel upon my body that is so evil is can destroy all that i love and care about in a second! i some times think that i should live alone and only interact with people as i need to to get the things that i need not want! it would be a shitty life but others would be away from the pain i can cause!
my wife yells at me cause i pull away from everything but she doesn't deal with the things i do. she don't feel as i do. i get yelled at for being who i am but when i change its not the way she wants either! i feel as if i can do no right in her eyes! i mean i love her to death but it is what it is! i know i shouldn't be mad but i just feel that i am who i am and shouldn't need to change. i haven't asked her to change so why should i? i love my family so much it hurts! i have it all right and i keep pushing to mess it all up! i seams the only way i get through life i just to exsist! i hate it! i seam to be only capable of two feelings anger and depression! i have tried meds but it never works cuz i stop taking them! i have went to shrinks and i scare them! i get locked up in nut huts but i am not crazy enough to be there i am lost! i have no one that understands where i am coming from that i trust to tell how i feel! it seams like when i go for something a big wall is dropped in front of me and i cant climb it no matter how hard i try! my family never understood me growing up! they always said i had anger issues but i just wanted to be myself. but to do that i was wrong and hurt full so i keep it in till i blew up! then i went to jail! it hate this! it is not fair to anyone. i should be so hurtful but i feel as if it makes me feel better! or get it out of me when i am! i can say sorry but is it real! i laugh when someone cries because of what i do! is it funny probably not but i laugh anyway! i feel as if sleep is when i plot what i am gonna do but i never know it till it happens! i hate sleep! i cant control or dont wanna control it either way it happens! while i sleep i have nightmares that are so bad it scares most people but to me it is just another night! being me is not fun nor would i wish this on anyone! I long for the days when this didnt happen to me! when was that i dont remember! i dont really remember my childhood! i remember my mom wasnt there! dad was a drug addict my grandpa raised me! as best as he could! i have always been differnt but never knew why! till i got older, then i found out why! i found out in 2004 that i was bi-polor and that i needed help for years i had been hiding it behind drugs and alcohol that no one knew what was wrong till i lost my grandpa and then my world came crashing in in one instant! i cry everyday i think about! and now when i think i am gonna cry i get mad because i was raised that men dont cry! we are to be strong! i have made a game of people for so long that i am good at it! i can make most people believe or do anything i want! do i like what i do??? no but i seam to do it often that it has become almost my life to me! on may 26th of 2006 i met someone that was ment to be another game vitum but i ended up falling i love with her! And her child! i knew i couldnt hurt her child and if i hurt her thats what i would do! so i keep this demon i side for awhile! but i couldnt handle it and it escaped! and all hell broke lose again! i try to hold it in but it gets out just like my anger! i havent had an outlet for this in so long that i never knew how to deal with it! i am asked if i am nice and i say yes but i dont know if i am. i mean really i have no idea if i can be! i wanna be but i never seam to be! i try but i fail bad! so i just do as i want and fuck the rest! they say you hurt the ones you love most. but what if i am incapable of love? then what?
what if i am not allowed to love and care! the games i have played with people are cruel but i enjoyed everything i did! not that is right but i did! i just don't know if i can control it anymore! it seams the more i try to hold it in the more it gets out! i love people as a hole but i do what i do! i fell as if it is and this is what i do!
